6 years ago we paid 15 dollars to a crook, running a garage sale, and he laughed inwardly as we walked away with his garbage

If I were going to write a song about my old vacuum, it would go something like this:

you were old when I bought you
you were loud when I used you
I had to wear professional grade noise-canceling muffs
that I hung on your handle when you were in the closet

the sound of your motor
scattered children and neighbors alike
I would love to say that all the noise
indicated great sucking performance,
but I tell the truth, even about my appliances.
you were louder than a leaf-blower
and about as effective at picking things up.

Your cord was worn through,
so we patched it with electrical tape
you didn't stay upright,
so ryan tried to fix that with duct tape.
but you still fell over every time I used the hose.
your body was cracked, and you were ugly.

I was not a fan.

I have a NEW vacuum, now
so you have been demoted to
garage-vacuum.

p.s. don't feel bad for it, it's not even alive.